Okay, so I have a confession to make. All those posts about the clones I have… yeah, I lied. They’re not actually my clones. They’re actually people I pay to alter themselves physically to look like me and follow me around. But most of them are jerks, and they can’t even focus the camera most of the time. Why do I do this? I am a narcissist and I have a safe full of money. Also, there might be potential assassins nearby and I’m trying to confuse them. Why come clean now? Well, it’s Lookalike Day, so I figured there was no better time to reveal my terrible secret. Hope you can forgive my treachery.
Decided to take the clones in to work with me the other day, because I knew we’d be busy. As usual with them, one or two are helpful while the other just wants to goof around and tell jokes. I can’t take them anywhere.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything about the clones that are running amok (that little one evaporated into nothing, by the way), but they’ve really taken to the new place pretty well. And by “taken to the new place” I mean, they stand around and make fun of me while I wash dishes. What a bunch of jerks.
It’s been a while since I talked about my misadventures in cloning, but that’s because I’ve been constantly hounded by the Pro-Clone Lobby, who took offense at the (and I’m quoting them) “cavalier manner in which you discussed murdering your cloned offspring.” Listen to them, all high and mighty! They didn’t have dangerous dagger-displaying doppelgangers after them, did they? I don’t think so!
If you’ll recall the last time I posted about my clones, it was in reference to one who came out a little smaller than the others. I didn’t think much of it, just that perhaps he’d not fully developed somehow. Well, I went on vacation and when I returned, he was no taller than my knee! And he kept shrinking still. It took me a while to find him, but once I did, I snapped this photo. He seemed more than willing to pose for it.
And, though I know it’ll get me in trouble with the Pro-Clone Lobby, shortly after this photo was taken, I crushed him into a fine paste. He was a jerk anyway.
Yes, it’s safe to assume that I am the one being rudely awakened. Also, do you think that clone is a little smaller than he should be? I think something went wrong when the other clones made this one. He’s a little guy and he seems to only want to play games, not kill me like usual. Not sure if I’ll ruthlessly murder him or not…
So, yeah, it looks like this clone situation has gotten slightly out of hand. They somehow read my blog post from a few days ago and I guess they thought I was reveling in the whole clone murder thing. I got home the other night, and they started talking about “clone rights” or something; I wasn’t really paying attention. I woke up in the middle of the night and a group of them was standing over me, whispering amongst themselves. Now they’ve been coming at me with knives (see right) and other sharpened instruments. But don’t worry, I was able to fell this clone with almost no effort due to my increased “Josh-strength” (patent pending). Also, to answer the question you might be asking yourselves: the photo was taken by another clone, who I then killed.
Since I’ve been away from home, I’ve been hitting the gym a lot. At first it was tough, but soon I developed a foolproof workout plan. Basically, I clone myself and then have that clone tell me that I’m not doing things well enough, while standing over me and eating a banana. And with my own nagging voice piercing my eardrums, I push myself even harder and reach levels I’ve never thought possible. And then I get up and murder my clone and eat his heart to gain his strength. As of now, I’m as strong as six Joshes. Do not test me.