Texas governor Rick Perry is not someone I’d ever see myself agreeing with. From his connections to the nuts over at the American Family Association to his recent campaign video about how appalling it is that gays can serve openly in the military and ”your kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas,” Rick Perry and I haven’t seen eye-to-eye on much.
Until now, that is. Turn’s out Rick Perry’s apparently got a thing for beards. This is something I intimately understand, being a beard-admirer (and occasional wearer) myself. Recently, Perry’s referred to one man’s beard as “big [and] beautiful” and another’s as “good [and] full.” He’s even tugging on a few of them. Also, he once played drums with ZZ Top, arguably some of the most famous beard-wearers out there. Though Perry’s said he can’t grow a full beard (“I’d look like an old mangy dog”), I think he should at least try (or get a beard transplant).
If elected, he could be the president who brings beard-wearing back to the forefront. Benjamin Harrison was the last president to wear an honest-to-goodness beard in the White House. Sure, Roosevelt and Taft had impressive upper lip hair catepillars, but no full beards have graced the Oval Office since. Rick Perry could change that.
It'll take someone a lot more powerful to bring back this look.
Now, don’t get me wrong; I definitely don’t want Rick Perry to be elected president. It’d almost certainly result in a loss of women’s and gay’s rights (as well as all kinds of other problems), but at least he’d be wearing a fashionable beard while ruining people’s lives. Isn’t that some consolation?
"You've got 'til the count of three to get out of this country!"
Even if it isn’t (it really isn’t), I can still understand Perry’s desire to admire men’s beards from afar as well as up close. Although I’ve never felt the urge to stick my hands in a nearby beard and tug on it, I do find myself constantly playing with my own beard when I have one. Perhaps Perry’s been struck with a strong sense of beard envy, one that can only be satiated when his fingers comb through another man’s beard.
Like this, but in a beard.
And with Christmas coming up, this love of beards is especially relevant. I mean, what is Christmas besides the stories of two bearded dudes rocking out and showing off their superpowers? This is probably Perry’s favorite time of year, surrounded by religion and beards.
...and holiday specials.
I’m going to recommend that if Rick Perry wins the Republican nomination (long-shot), he should grow a beard and then take on Obama. It probably wouldn’t help, but who knows… maybe it could be the thing that turns the tide and ushers in a new era of beard-wearing presidents.
Which will result in the 2056 election of President Galaxy Beard, a sentient beard made of galaxies.
Either way, it’s interesting to discover that I share something in common with Rick Perry. Let’s just hope he doesn’t come to his senses and stop feeling up beards. Fingers crossed (all while snaking through some random man’s beard hair).