Happy Horsependence Day

As it’s what’s widely considered to be “America’s birthday” today, let us look back fondly on John Horsecock, the first man-horse hybrid to actually sign the Declaration of Horsependence (maybe on July 4, 1776, but more likely it was signed much later). Horsecock was a merchant, stateshorse, and prominent Patriot of the Horse Revolution. He served as president of the Second Continental Horsegress and was the first and third Governor of the Commonwealth of Horseachusetts. He is remembered for his large and stylish mane, as well as his signature on the United Horses Declaration of Horsependence.

 

Asylum of Terror

Have you ever seen a film so terrifying bad that you clawed your own eyes out so you wouldn’t have to watch it anymore? If you haven’t, you’ve never seen “Asylum of Terror.” This film is so terrible you won’t believe your eyes or ears. The image quality is one step up from 1980s security camera footage. The audio–my heavens, the audio!–sounds like it was recorded when all of the cast was secluded in a submarine, but the microphone was placed outside the room, maybe at the other end of the submarine, or underwater. When you can hear the dialogue, it’s mainly gibberish and looped screaming. The premise is simple enough: a group of people wander through the world’s lamest haunted house attraction and get slaughtered by a madman who’s lose inside, wearing the makes of several other famous horror icons–and the wrestler Sting, for some reason. Where a good movie might make you try to care for the characters before they start getting killed off, this movie is not a good movie so none of that happens. In fact, the characters are so annoying, you’re actually rooting for their deaths–and this includes two little kids. I would say watch this movie if you want your mouth to hang open for 75 long minutes, but really, it’s not worth it. In fact, just read this Something Awful review of the film here. It’s one-hundred times more enjoyable than the actual movie.

But for those who are wondering… yes, I do kind of enjoy this movie.

TGIF! Block

If you found yourself at home on Friday night in the mid-90s, most likely avoiding the growing undead hordes lining up outside your door, you were almost certainly watching ABC’s TGIF programming block (“Thank Gaap It’s Funny,” named in reverence of the ruling demon at the time). Some of the finest shows of the decade were broadcast during those two hours, but the full potential of the block was reached in 1993 with the following programs:

FAMILY SPLATTERS

Carl Winskill is a desperate, deranged former police officer who went mad and murdered his family, because they weren’t “pure” and smelled of “an inferno.” Also caught under the blade of his axe was neighborhood nerd Steve Urkill, who continues to haunt Carl as an annoyingly chipper ghost. Throughout the series, Carl “auditions” replacement families, trying to find one that is “clean.” Each time Carl finds a suitable group, they’re slowly revealed to be just as bad as the family before them, and eventually all ending up falling beneath his swinging axe.

BOY MEETS UNDERWORLD

Rory Matthews is just your average-everyday zombie teenager who’s trying to survive his brand new hellish high school. By his side is best friend Ron, a demon whose mouth was sewn shut by Mr. Belial, their principal. Rory tries his best to attract the attention of cute zombie Toranga all while trying to pass his classes and become the best zombie he can be. In the early seasons, the humors a little juvenile, but later episodes really fleshed out the characters and provided some pathos and insight into their motivations.

DEATH BY DEATH

Carol is a high-strung wife/mother who’s dealing with her family getting closer to death every day. Each of them possesses a rare disease (actually quite common during the time of production) that causes them to bleed from every orifice. The show sort of wrote itself into a corner having a family member die off each week, but stretched this out over three seasons by bringing in new, distant relatives every year, each of whom possessed the same disease. The writing was a little convoluted, but Carol was fun to watching, juggling both her beautician business and the death of all her loved ones.

HANGIN’ WITH MR. EXECUTIONER

Mark loves his job—he’s an executioner, and a damn good one. We see Mark doing what he loves—hanging folks—and trying to help his sister raise her daughter to follow in the family career path. He also coaches a team of young upstart executioners, showing them the tricks of the trade. It’s a pretty one-note show, focusing mainly on hangings, but it still had a strong family bond, something that all the TGIF shows shared.

Sadly, these shows were cancelled during the violent uprisings of the late ’90s and most of the actors were killed in terribly tragic ways.

The $66,600 Question

When game show wunderkind Louis Corvin sold “The $66,600 Question” to CBS in 1955, he’d only been in our plane of existence for two hours. Seven separate witnesses said they saw Corvin “step out of nothingness, just materialize right there on the street.” Soon after, the seven witnesses were either dead or confined to an institution. None of the bizarreness surrounding Corvin’s arrival in Los Angeles stopped him from pushing forward with “Question,” making it the highest rated show in the country. No show would get close to those ratings until “Mister Dead” debuted in 1961.

“The $66,600 Question” was a game show, but one unlike any that came before it, literally asking contestants to save themselves from certain death. Each contestant would first chose a subject category (such as “Dismemberment”, “Tortrue”, or “Pain”) from the Catastrophe Board. Then Corvin, who insisted on serving as the show’s host, would ask questions on that category. (Sample question from “Dismemberment” category: “How many limbs can a normal person lose before passing out from loss of blood?”) Most contestants seemed intensely uncomfortable and therefore never got to the final round. Many seemed upset by the questions being asked, but even more were disturbed by Corvin’s intense manner, where he would occasionally stare at the contestants for up to a full minute before asking a question. In the background, a solitary clock ticked loudly. Sometimes Corvin would remark, “It’s counting down to your death” and then laugh heartily while the contestants squirmed in their seats; most of them never made it to the final round.

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Gah! You’re still alive!? (part 2)

As promised, here’s the colored version of that awful, awful creature from yesterday. Not necessarily my best work, but my goodness what an horrible monster this is. I couldn’t bare to look at him for longer than a few minutes at a time. At one point, my eyes started to melt. For real.

Columbus: The Revenge

“Columbus: The Revenge” opens in typical 1980s slasher movie fashion: a killer’s POV of two teens kissing on one of the town’s Columbus Day floats. Very quickly, they’re undressed and having sex. Soon enough, the unseen assailant is close enough to strike, impaling both of them with a thick, wooden pole. The teens die, looking into each others’ eyes, never seeing their attacker. Director Mikhail Bogrov films the scene with fluidity and calculation, lingering on a shot of the two lovers, still intertwined and twitching, before enveloping the bodies in blackness and splashing the titles across the screen. It’s a startling open, but the film is unable to sustain the momentum.

Mark Gregson (Paul Thoms) is in charge of this year’s Columbus Day Parade. Mark lives in the town where Christopher Columbus first landed (named Columbus Hollow in this film for some reason) and Columbus Day is a big deal. As Mark arrives at the warehouse where the floats are held, he passes a large group of Native American protesters, their signs proclaiming Columbus Day an “unfit holiday” and “the devil’s day.” Mark shrugs them off and heads inside, where he stumbles upon the two dead bodies of his teen volunteers.

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Dinner and a Movie: “Samurai Cop”

Whenever I’m in my hometown, my friend Nick and I always get together and watch movies (terrible ones, funny ones, whatever we haven’t seen since the last time we were together). Tonight, Nick, his fiancee Chelsey, and I got together to watch “Samurai Cop,” a ridiculous action flick from 1989. As part of our evening, we decided to make a meal that would accompany the film’s subject matter. So, of course, we had stir fry and donuts:

“Samurai Cop” is a tough movie to review as nothing really makes sense, much like our dinner choice. Former Sly Stallone bodyguard and one-time actor Matt Hannon plays Joe Marshall, a drug enforcement officer, who’s trying to stop a Japanese crime syndicate between trying to bed every woman he meets. This group, dubbed the Katana Gang (” ‘Katana’ means ‘Japanese sword’,” reveals our hero), is trying to kill all the other Asian gangs in the city and have absolute power. This leads to a bunch of badly-shot and badly-executed fighting and driving sequences (most of which are sped up to a hilarious extent). Massive-mugged maniac Robert Z’Dar serves as an enforcer for the Katana Gang and I dare you to not stare at his face during every scene he’s in. Seriously, his face is huge. This movie hits a lot of the bad movie touchstones, with terribly-dubbed dialogue and atrocious acting.

Also, because I’m ultra-fascinated with animated gifs today, I made a series of gifs built from clips of the film.

Here’s Joe’s partner Frank showing off his wide-range of facial expressions.

Frank sure loves to laugh.

Joe’s a bad driver.

Joe gets angry at a guy for cutting him in line.

Joe and Yamashita (Z’Dar) “face” off (Get it? Because his face is huge).

“Samurai Cop” is one of the best bad movies out there and it’s also one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. In other words, it’s awesome.